“Prepare yourself” – damn straight

June 17, 2010

That’s right, it’s the “Smurfs” trailer.

This is a parody, right?  Some enterprising wiseacre with editing skills and a rudimentary grasp of CGI made this for the YouTube lulz?  ‘Cause if not, I just don’t get it.  I think as far as shitty-looking, childhood-raping, hip-hop-ized, designed-by-committee swill, this is the pure stuff; they must have spent hours reducing this just to ensure that nothing about it was accidentally tolerable.

Two further points:

1. Neal Patrick Harris.  Really?  I like you, man, don’t do this shit.  Leave it to the David Crosses of the world.

2. When I loaded this page, the trailer played on an endless loop.  I watched it three times in horror, then opened a new tab to write this post while the trailer continued to torment me via my computer speakers.  I expect this means that I am now in hell.  Room 1, eternal hot pokering in various orifices.  Room 2, eternal “Smurfs” trailer.


Can it still be a circle jerk if I’m the only one masturbating?

May 27, 2010

Forgive my blue humor, Diane.  What we have this morning is a link to a blog called Witchpolice, which has very kindly re-hosted and re-posted my Sizzla remix album, and interviewed me about the thing to boot.  I suppose it’s pretty masturbatory for me to prattle on so much about my own project, and doubly so to link from my blog to theirs – but anyway, it was really nice of them to do this, and they asked a lot of good questions.  Stand-up guys, good blog, check it out.

Tortuga’s gonna mess you up… with his MACHETE

May 13, 2010

I have no words for this slice of insanity, except to stutter a list of names: De Niro… Lapidus and Ana Lucia and Hurley’s dad (a.k.a. Cheech) from “Lost”… Jessica Alba… Don Johnson… Steven Seagal’s bloated corpse… La Lohan… and Danny fucking Trejo.  In the words of many an internet ‘tard, LOLWUT

Also, Danny Trejo gives good interview.  Here are some choice pull quotes: “So I said, ‘How bad do you want this guy beat up? Shit, for 320 bucks‘”  “I think he was scared of me, so he’d do whatever I told him to do.”  “When you’re using drugs and doing robberies, it’s hard to distinguish whether you’re doing robberies to support your drug habit, or doing drugs to support your robbery habit.”  “So I kick in the door, somebody jumps up, I bash them with the shotgun, and I ask this guy, ‘Oh, you wanna die, huh?’ This lady starts screaming, and I put this gun right in her face. So the director yells, ‘Cut! Cut! God, Danny, where did you study?’ I said, ‘Let me see. Von’s. Safeway. Thrifty Mart.'”  “This guy looks at me, almost starts crying, and says, ‘Hey, I’m trying to stay in character.’ I was, ‘Well, your character’s about to get his ass beat.'”

Revisiting a remix

May 4, 2010


First of all: sorry for my inattentiveness to this blog.  I wish I could say I was going to change, but I’m not.  In fact, there’s a good chance I’m going to retire from this pursuit of mine.  Not that I’ve said all I have to say about every trivial damn thing in the world – quite the contrary! – but I blog too intermittently and of various quality to keep this place well-tended and -trafficked.  If I close up shop, you’ll be the first (and judging by my visitor stats, the only) person to know.

Now down to it.  I thought it would be fun today to revisit my last major creative project, “The Good, The Bad & The Remixed.” Yeah, that reggae/spaghetti Western mashup thing.  Part of the fun of that was knowing that I could never legally or morally try to make a cent off it, so I wanted to give it away and see if it would spread at all – but I did little to promote it really.  I think the entirety of my promotional efforts included: 1) blogging about it here with a download link; 2) posting about it on a couple forums (one devoted to spaghetti Westerns and the other about dancehall and reggae); and 3) sent it to an online acquaintance who runs a reggae review site, and was kind enough to write it up for me.

Digging into it today, I found that it did spread.  Not exactly like wildfire, but it is a pretty specialty taste – a mix of Morricone (critically well-regarded, but even his classic soundtracks don’t exactly fly off the shelves) and Sizzla (an artist only marginally known outside of Jamaica and the UK).  If you stuff those two into a Venn diagram to represent what group of people would have a pre-existing interest in both, it looks like this:

Still, hope springs eternal, and Googling your own shit is cheap and easy.  So I Googled away.  And look!

A blog, which says: “With a palette of the entire history of recorded sound, it still amazes me how many people choose to plagiarise the same old stuff… but fortunately there are still some exceptions.”  That’s right, motherfuckers, I plagiarized something completely different.

Another blog, whose writer is kind enough to get briefly into the shared history between Westerns and reggae (it does exist, I swear), and to comment very kindly, “The cuts of ‘Represent’ and ‘Rise To The Occation’ [sic] are pure genius.”

Another blog, which pronounces it “weird and original” and even links up a sample track so you can hear it before downloading.  I’m pretty sure I was too lazy to do that, and even if I wasn’t, I’m too lazy to go back and check.

Yet another blog, who says the project is “fully leftfield.”  Stern but fair.

Also this blog.

And this one.  The writer opens with a quote from the Reggae Reviews review, but adds, “This one is crazzzzy…wicked wicked wicked remixes, this one is ah must have…tek ah slice and listen.  Big up Dale Cooper & Kalonji!!”  That’s in actual patois.  Honestly, I’m fucking touched.  Sniff.

One more blog, who didn’t comment but color-coded the text into red, gold and green.  Good enough!

Two more blogs – in Spanish and Portuguese.  ¡Internacional!

This site (ReggaeTopSite.com) which actually added the remix to their album download list.

A music forum, in what appears to be… Hungarian?  Is that what “.hu” means?

A YouTube channel.  Soon I’m gonna be raking in that “Chocolate Rain” money.

Plus I’ve now, basically at random, run into two reggae enthusiasts online who had heard and liked (or semi-liked) the remix – one of whom is the unstoppable Achis, who I’m pretty sure blogs in real time, exactly as fast as a normal person talks.  (There’s no other explanation for the quantity and length of posts he puts out.)

Anyway I am quite grateful to have seen this thing move around a little bit, and one day perhaps I’ll get off my lazy ass and do another one.  But not before that death metal album my friend Sweaty B has been bugging me about.

Help me write a book/movie/TV show

March 26, 2010

A guy is driving down a familiar street to a familiar place.  He comes to a T intersection.  At the “top” of the T is a thickly wooded area.  To the left is his neighborhood, his home.  To the right is who cares.  He turns left, goes home.

The same guy is driving down the same street to the same place, at a later time.  He reaches the same intersection and sees a narrow dirt road directly across from him, extending into the woods.  He is fairly certain, but not 100% certain, that this road didn’t exist before.  Did someone just make it?  Is something weird going on?  Is he having a stroke?

Curiosity gets the better of him.  He forgoes his usual left turn and navigates his car down the dirt road, into the semi-darkness of the woods.

A.) What is this road and why does it exist?

B.) Where is it going?

C.) If this is a complete work of fiction, what is the long-term goal that we have initiated by introducing the road?

What I’m listening to this afternoon

March 26, 2010

Yes, I’ve lost the desire to do long-form posts, so I’m flooding this space with little tiny outbursts.  Suck it, people with an attention span!

Speaking of an attention span, you might need one to get through all 7:08 of this tune.  Or you could just get up and dance, that makes the time fly.  I’m not heavily into this ragga jungle stuff (a lot of it that I’ve heard is just second rate remixes), but Demolition Man killed this track.  Nah no mercy.

“Marmaduke” trailer

March 26, 2010

So I imagine you’ve been looking high and low for a movie trailer you could stare at in stone-faced horror and revulsion.  Here ya go.