Official FBI-approved Super Bowl picks

1. Steelers over Cardinals (and the Steelers will cover).

Let’s get real here.  The Cards are riding a wave of emotion and luck.  At some point, those things will run smack into the unforgiving brick wall of superior talent and strategy (and of course, Troy Polamalu’s hair).


What previous Super Bowl games does this remind me of, that might shed some light on this matchup?  Well, two come to mind:

– Ravens vs. Giants.  Ravens were a powerhouse defensive team with a meager offense and game manager-type QB.  Giants were a vertical passing offense with no hope of running the ball.  Result: Ravens in a blowout.

– Bears vs. Patriots.  Bears were a powerhouse defensive team with a good offense but not the greatest QB.  Patriots were a wildcard team whose only hope of winning was to air it out.  Result: Bears in a blowout.

The magic season is over for Arizona.  And on behalf of my good friend Porchy, I say fuck ’em anyway.

2. My chili over everybody else’s chili.

Let’s get real here.  My chili is awesome. My chili will crawl out of its crockpot and eat your chili to bulk up for the big game.  My girlfriend will violate the principles of her vegetarianism just by smelling my chili.

3. Snacks and chatting over Super Bowl ads.

Let’s get real here.  The glory days are behind us, and today’s ads constantly fail to live up the weight of expectations.  But while we’re shedding a tear for days gone by, let’s remember the best of them fondly:

4. Weekends with NFL football on, over weekends with no football.

Sadly this is our last chance for many months to enjoy that most superior of Sundays.  May training camp return swiftly, and may Tom Brady’s MCL die an unlamented death this off-season.*

* Special Agent Dale “Colts Homer” Cooper does not actually wish permanent harm on anyone.

…Except Tom Brady.  Fuck that guy.


3 Responses to Official FBI-approved Super Bowl picks

  1. beetqueen says:

    I’m not even bringing chili because I like yours so much.

  2. themcp says:

    I’m not bringing any either, but only because it’s embarrassing how much my chili stomps all over that watery, flavorless pap that you call chili.

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