“X-Men Origins: Wolverine” is not a good movie title (and other observations)

Diane,

So “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” has a trailer now, and this is it:

And that sound you heard, if you were listening carefully, was a world of fanboys engaging in a three-part harmony of “OMG,” “meh,” and “They’re raping my childhood!  My poor, precious childhood!”

I’ll cast my vote in with the “meh” crowd.  Meh.  I like the mouthfeel on that one.  This trailer looks blandly acceptable, which usually means the movie could also be blandly acceptable or a real piece of crap – such is the science of trailer-making these days.  I’m not enthused about the little hero squad at all.  They’re trying to interpret comic book figures into characters that seem like they could exist in the real world, but this is a dangerous task that should perhaps not be attempted without the assistance of a Nolan or two.  So we get a Gambit that looks like he should be at the final table for the World Series of Poker, and a Sabretooth that looks like Liev Schreiber if he were in “Twilight.”  Hmm.

Another thing I’m not crazy for is the generic “epic” feel they seem to be trying to impart.  Wolvie in long-ago battlefields, swooningly dramatic score… blah.  “Epic” is kind of the opposite of what I want out of a Wolverine movie, which could be stated in this simple formula:

(Claws + people getting clawed) * snikt = awesome movie

There are rumors of extensive reshoots – rumors so persistent that Hugh Jackman took time out of his busy model-fucking schedule to e-mail Ain’t It Cool News directly.  ¿qué?  This is what we call “not a good sign.”

I’m going to let my many Hollywood producer readers in on a little secret, which they can file away and refer to when they make that inevitable Wolverine reboot in 2014.  It is this: we are OK with Hugh Jackman.  All we want out of this movie is violence and limbs getting cut off and huge Wolverine vs. whoever brawls that end with blood-soaked walls.  We want an R rating, because you can’t make a good fight featuring a guy with giant claws and regenerative abilities unless you’re willing to get nasty.  Don’t try to gussy it up and make a typical comic blockbuster; don’t make Wolverine funny or cutesy or emotionally accessible.  The movie should be short, dark, violent, and mean – just like its hero.  And if it is, it will make plenty of cash, believe me.

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One Response to “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” is not a good movie title (and other observations)

  1. Nancee says:

    Gambit looks too much like Criss Angel for my taste.

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