Will somebody lend these young lads and lasses a decent moniker? I can’t listen to this fucking shit. Just look at it:
!!! What kind of name is that for a band, !!!? It’s so stupid that fans, critics, and netizens have taken to referring to them as chk-chk-chk, which is also an atom bomb of stupid. If your name evokes the glory-free years of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, then your name is without merit.
Tapes ‘n Tapes. I refuse to listen to them. I am mad at them for thinking that name was in any way good. I want to strangle them with the magnetic guts of many tapes ‘n tapes.
The Onion AV Club has reviews today for these bands I’ve never heard of: Starling Electric, Parenthetical Girls, Titus Andronicus. To tackle the last first, that is just no good. I’m generally opposed to any band naming themselves after a movie, play, book, or song; it just smacks of laziness, and in most cases the name isn’t even appropriate, as in this case. I’m pretty sure Titus Andronicus isn’t the musical embodiment of Shakespeare’s blood-slathered, not much-loved tragedy. Except they may nail the not much-loved part. Starling Electric – OK, it sizzles on the tongue, but it hurts in the small intestine. Be twee or be rock, don’t try to do both. Only the Beatles and the Kinks ever got away with that shit. And finally, Parenthetical Girls – I encourage you to get back to editing that creative writing ‘zine you’ve been crafting since you dropped out of first year of grad school.
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. Swing my fists, say Fuck You.
Jay Reatard: I won’t go obvious here and get all offended by your reatarded stage name. I will only say that it offends my brain to keep having to remember that “Reatard” is allegedly pronounced exactly like “retard,” so every single time I see that shit in print, I think “Jay Re-ah-tard.” And then I think, “No, it’s just Jay Retard. Damn it.” And then I think, “God, I wish this guy didn’t exist so I wouldn’t have to have this internal conversation once every couple of days. Maybe I should steer clear of rock mags and the internet for a year until this blows over.”
I could come up with more examples, Diane, but so much vitriol is bad for the pores. Let’s reconvene next week.