“Nightmare” about sums it up


So they’re remaking “Nightmare on Elm Street,” too.  I guess this has been in the pipeline a while but my normally sensitive ears must still be ringing from the news about “Rosemary’s Baby,” because I didn’t hear of it.  Luckily, a pretty loud salvo was fired off today courtesy of ShockTilYouDrop.

The best part – even better than an unnecessary remake of a modern horror classic, even better than the prospect of hearing a nu metal remix of “1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you…”, somehow even better than recasting Heather Langenkamp’s character as someone who is both easier on the eyes and a better actress (OK, I can’t argue with that logic), is the fact that they’re going to introduce a new Freddy.

You heard me: Robert Englund is out.  Some other douchebag is in.  We just don’t know who yet.

Flush with the spirit of the holidays, I’m feeling abnormally generous.  I’m going to propose a few actors who might actually sort of work in this role, and might lead to this movie not totally sucking.

1. Johnny Depp.  Not my idea, as numerous folks around the web are barking this already.  But it’s a great one.  Depp could have fun with the role, he can do menacing (“Sweeney Todd”), he’s got the physical presence, and it’s the best piece of stunt casting I can think of – seeing as how Freddy knifed him in the original movie.  It would reach unprecedented heights if they throw in a cameo part for Englund and Depp returns the favor.

Odds of this happening: 100 to 1.  I believe the studio would do it in heartbeat, but I don’t believe Depp would, unless Tim Burton directs or something.

2. Casey Affleck.  He’s a tall, thin, creepy motherfucker; he’s perfect.  Maybe not for the jokey Freddy of the sequels, but we don’t want that Freddy anyway, do we?

Odds of this happening: 25 to 1.  Casey’s more of an arthouse guy it seems.  This would be a weird move for him.

3. Michael Emerson.  He made Ben iconic on “Lost,” he’s got pervy eyes, and he’d look good in the burn makeup.  He could do humor as well, though I suspect it would be more dry than Englund’s verbal equivalent of a dog humping your leg and biting you at the same time.

Odds of this happening: 10:1.  Emerson was in “Saw” (as a character named Zep Hindle… I feel I have to mention that).  A sideways leap to “Nightmare” doesn’t seem totally unlikely.

4. Snoop Dogg.  Ha ha just kidding.  They already made “Bones” and it sucked.

5. Michael C. Hall.  From Dexter to Krueger… yeah, I could see that.  And he already has a signature sweater and gloves that he wears for killing – just add stripes and finger-knives and we’re in business.

Odds of this happening: 80:1.  Dex still has a lot on his plate what with the Miguel situation.  Probably hard to tear away long enough for a movie shoot.  At least until we get that much-desired “Dexter” movie.



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