Speculations from the butt area


I don’t feel like writing anything of substance (or at least great length and excruciating detail) this week, so instead I’m going to slather the delicious butter of nothing on the toast of your unbearable expectations.

As I was reading a comment thread on this Onion article about new DVD editions of “Child’s Play” and “Pumpkinhead,” I stumbled across this previously-unknown-to-me piece of trivia: “Lance [Henriksen] was originally considered for the Terminator role before Ahnold convinced James Cameron he could do it…  Every time I watch anything related to the Terminator franchise, I wonder about what the world might have been like if Lance had got the role…”

If you’re a supergeek who loves “Terminator” and Lance “My Voice Sounds Like I Eat Gravel Tacos” Henriksen, you’re probably wondering the same thing that this guy did. I’m guessing it would have looked like a less retardedly-photoshopped version of this:

Hes back... for the first time

…which obviously would have been awesome, amirite?

So here are some other great geek possibilities in the world of film, TV, and music.  Add on in the comments, and we can have a very irritating discussion!

~ What if… Tom Selleck had played Indiana Jones as originally planned (his committment to “Magnum: PI” prevented it)?  I can actually imagine him being comfortable in the role, but Ford was so iconic as Indy that it’s hard to visualize anyone else turning it into the money-making machine it became.  And in a spin-off:

~ What if… someone else had played Han Solo?  Here I can’t even picture Selleck; he seems all wrong for the part.   How about Lance Henriksen again as a gruffer, significantly less boyish Solo?  (I know you’re thinking he’s way too old, but remember he’s only got two years on Ford – as a certain iconic somebody-or-other might say, “It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage.”)  Or maybe Robert Forster as a more dour Han.  The problem is it’s hard to come up with any actor who could do Ford’s signature blend of sarcastic, flummoxed, peeved, good-looking, and physically able; I still say that Nathan Fillion comes closest (and a hundred thousand “Firefly” fans agree with me), but when “Star Wars” came out the guy was six.

~ What if… “Lost” had been cancelled after season 1 (with our castaways staring down into the hatch)?  That would have been the biggest dicktease ending of all time, don’t you think?  The ending of “Twin Peaks” distresses me greatly, wondering what might have been, but if we’d never seen the inside of that hatch I might have actually kidnapped Damon Lindelof and pulled a Sayid on him to find out what was going to happen.

~ What if… George Lucas had decided to make sequels instead of prequels, and farmed them out to other directors (say, anyone in the group of Christopher Nolan/Peter Jackson/Sam Raimi/Guillermo Del Toro/Jon Favreau)?  The cast could have even been entirely the same but the movies would be ten to fifteen times better, right?  Personally I think the light touch and respect for the mythology that Favreau brought to “Iron Man” would have been way better suited to new “Star Wars” movies than Lucas’s own leaden-alternating-with-fart-jokes style.

~ What if… Pacino and DeNiro had actually worked together in their primes?  I do have a great fondness for “Heat” but the guys really only share that diner scene; and all indications are that their new movie, “Righteous Kill,” is about as delicious as those Thai leftovers that have been in the back of your fridge for two months.  We needed (and never really got) the freshest, spiciest Pacino/DeNiro Pad Thai possible, dammit.  How about replacing John Cazale (god bless him though) with DeNiro in “Dog Day Afternoon”?  How about throwing Pacino somewhere in the “Goodfellas” or “Casino” mix?  How about Pacino in place of Pesci in “Raging Bull,” or as the pimp in “Taxi Driver” (which was only a so-so role for Harvey Keitel)?  I could go on and on about this.

~ What if… Hendrix had kept on living and gone through the same career steps (supergroups, acoustic shows, blues revival records) as Clapton?  I would have liked to have seen Hendrix in a band doing some alternate universe, black version of “Layla.”  Maybe it would have involved Sly Stone and Prince or something.  And I guarantee his take on Robert Johnson would be a lot more righteous than the respectful, adult contempo crap Clapton has settled into.

~ What if… whatever.  Bring it on.


2 Responses to Speculations from the butt area

  1. Elspeff says:

    The one that has occupied me on various occasions is what if Bill Hicks had not contracted, or had survived, the cancer that killed him? Can you imagine the sheer weight of material that man would have had during the lasy 8 years?!

  2. Ryan says:

    Lance Henriksen could manage the California budget crisis well, I’d think.

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