“Suspiria” and “Poltergeist” to be remade

Diane,

I’m a little tired of posting about this – classic horror movies being reworked in the Michael Bay Factory O’ Crap – but danged if my tendency toward completism isn’t keeping me going.

First, we have the proposed remake of “Suspiria,” with Natalie Portman rumored to star.  Here’s my favorite quote from the linked article, out of the mouth of some studio imbecile: “The concept will encompass cinema, video games, fashion and music that will revive the original version and also include a psychological element to the film that was not there in the original.”  That’s fucking awesome, and no one will tell me differently.  You should absolutely take an obscure, surreal Italian horror movie and update it with influences from fashion and videogames.  Maybe Uwe Boll and Calvin Klein can co-direct.

Then there’s this “Poltergeist” thing.  I couldn’t find any meaty quotes from anyone in charge of this project, so I made one up: “We like the Spielberg-produced original, of course, but we thought it suffered from too much color and not enough gorgeous twenty year olds.  Our version will incorporate digitally-faked grain on the film stock and a grey/brown filter so it looks as much like ‘Texas Chainsaw’ (the remake) as possible.  In addition, the part of Carol Anne will be played by ‘Transformers’ hottie Megan Fox.”  The fake producer in my mind then mysteriously added: “Boobs carnage sex kill!” and slunk back into his hole in the wall, where crumbs of tasty cheese awaited him.

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3 Responses to “Suspiria” and “Poltergeist” to be remade

  1. alex r says:

    It’s lame when they re-do perfectly good horror flicks like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Suspiria or even Poltergeist, but I’m all for remaking the crappy ones. The upcoming Friday the 13th remake/reboot/re-whatever is an example. The Jason mythology is corny but suitable material for a decent flick if done well enough. It’s not like it could be any worse than Jason Takes Manhattan. Nowhere to go but up!

  2. alex r says:

    Our version will incorporate digitally-faked grain on the film stock and a grey/brown filter so it looks as much like ‘Texas Chainsaw’ (the remake) as possible.

    You nailed it right on the head. The whole digital grain/desaturated color thing has just become ridiculous. Recently I saw the trailer for the “Death Race” remake (again with those remakes!) and noticed how grey and ugly monochromatic it looked, as if the filmmakers thought that would somehow make their flick more “edgy”. Come on! If any movie needed to be shot in lurid, gaudy color it’s a movie called “Death Race”. It doesn’t need this pseudo-“Saving Private Ryan” crap.

  3. Much to my dismay, I was obligated to see “Death Race” (a good friend cajoles us into watching the worst available action movie on his birthday every August – “Death Race” was this year’s winner). And you’re right, it’s completely ridiculous. The entire movie seems to be in grey with occasional splashes of partly desaturated red. Add in the sub-subpar editing and car design, and every single moment of the race that was supposed to be exciting ended up looking like Shakycam outtakes from “How PepsiCo Conglomerate Manufactures ‘Mountain Dew: Code Red’ Bottles (With Special Celebrity Guest Jason Statham!)”

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