I’m a little tired of posting about this – classic horror movies being reworked in the Michael Bay Factory O’ Crap – but danged if my tendency toward completism isn’t keeping me going.
First, we have the proposed remake of “Suspiria,” with Natalie Portman rumored to star. Here’s my favorite quote from the linked article, out of the mouth of some studio imbecile: “The concept will encompass cinema, video games, fashion and music that will revive the original version and also include a psychological element to the film that was not there in the original.” That’s fucking awesome, and no one will tell me differently. You should absolutely take an obscure, surreal Italian horror movie and update it with influences from fashion and videogames. Maybe Uwe Boll and Calvin Klein can co-direct.
Then there’s this “Poltergeist” thing. I couldn’t find any meaty quotes from anyone in charge of this project, so I made one up: “We like the Spielberg-produced original, of course, but we thought it suffered from too much color and not enough gorgeous twenty year olds. Our version will incorporate digitally-faked grain on the film stock and a grey/brown filter so it looks as much like ‘Texas Chainsaw’ (the remake) as possible. In addition, the part of Carol Anne will be played by ‘Transformers’ hottie Megan Fox.” The fake producer in my mind then mysteriously added: “Boobs carnage sex kill!” and slunk back into his hole in the wall, where crumbs of tasty cheese awaited him.