Right to the point today. Here’s a fellow going by the name “danrimage” opining on “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” on a comment thread on The Onion:
FUCK Ferris Beuller. I spent that whole movie waiting for the smug, arrogant, preachy, privileged little shit to get his comeuppance. In what way is a character who has absolutely nothing bad happen to him (in fact, even the not even the THREAT of anything bad happening to him) , sneers at everyone who ‘gets in his way’ (ie people who actually have to , you know WORK for a living), and then ends the film with an insufferable Hallmark card aphorism about ‘Hey, you know, maybe if YOU were a spoiled mega-rich brat with no responsibilties, YOU’d be having as much irresponsible, selfish, consequence-free fun as ME!’ supposed to be a heroic or sympathetic audience-identification figure.
Dan (Danr?), I admire your chutzpah. It takes a guy with big brass ones to take an enjoyable movie with a lightweight, borderline-cartoon of a lead character (Ferris is a near cousin of Bugs Bunny in my book), and turn it into something insidious and despicable. I’m going to try to follow your example and submit my own revisionist reviews of a few other cinema “classics.”
“Star Wars” trilogy: FUCK Luke Skywalker. I spent three whole movies waiting for the whiny, floppy-haired, motorcycle-scarred little shit to get his comeuppance. In what way am I supposed to identify with a brat who daydreams about adventure instead of working hard on his poor uncle’s farm, hooks up with known thieves and degenerates just to save his own sorry ass, and jets all over the galaxy just trying to impress a good-looking piece of tail (who, it turns out – and surely this little incestuous fuck must have had his suspicions – is his own SISTER!). You know who I was rooting for here? The Empire – mainly the stormtroopers. Know your place, work hard, follow orders, and shut your mouth. These are the virtues that science fiction should be teaching the youth of today.
“The Lion King”: FUCK Simba. I spent that whole movie waiting for the furry, annoying, privileged little shit to get his comeuppance. In what way is a character who is born into royalty and then has a little bit of hardship (my uncle killed my father, OH NO – guess what Simba, that happens to lower middle class people ALL THE TIME!) but eventually just reclaims his “rightful” place of power over the hard-working lower classes and has some little royal brats of his own to ensure the continuation of his family’s power (and probably with a kickass baby shower!) supposed to engender my sympathies? What I’m saying is, where’s “The Lion Serf”? I’d watch THAT movie.
“Goodfellas”: FUCK the mafia. I spent that whole movie waiting for the violent, law-breaking, coke-snorting little shits to get their comeuppance. In what way are characters who repeatedly murder each other, sleep around on their wives (AND sleep around on their mistresses with OTHER mistresses… what kind of values are those?), live lives of extraordinary wealth and privelege – even while in prison! – and eat a dangerous amount of saturated fat (how much veal and sausage can one movie contain?) supposed to be figures for audience identification? I had to turn it off two-thirds of the way through because I couldn’t take it any more. Scorsese really should have had them all come to bad ends. …What’s that? Really? Oh. Well, I still stand by my opinion that those guys were a bunch of dicks.