Favre traded to Jets, cheeseheads questioning own existence

Diane,

That sound you hear this morning – gentle but insistent, whispering almost as if from a dream on the morning breeze – is the sound of self-satisfaction.  (For the hearing-impaired, if you ever had your hearing previously, do you remember those soft drink commercials where someone would take a sip of Coke or whatever and then smile and exhale at the same time?  It sounds just like that.)

The satisfaction is exuding from cynical sportswriters everywhere, who as a group had become pretty disillusioned with Brett Favre in recent years.  With each passing record-setting consecutive start the man notched, the likes of John Madden came closer and closer to actually fellating him live on Monday Night Football.  “Brett’s just a kid at heart…” “Brett plays for the love of football…” “He’s an old-fashioned, rootin’-tootin’ gunslinger…”*  “Slobber slobber oh Brett give me your delicious cock!”  And so forth until everyone with an ounce of cynicism in them wanted to yak on their remote controls.  The sports media establishment seemed to want to turn a blind eye to Favre’s many interceptions (a large number of those in situations where the Packers could ill afford a turnover, like, say, in their own territory near the end of a close game), as well as his on-going hijacking of the Green Bay future by refusing to retire – even as a possibly-capable backup languished on the sidelines, doing clipboard duty.  So naturally, the media misfits – the likes of King Kaufman at Salon, and even Page 2’s Bill Simmons** – called Favre out on his bullshit on a regular basis.  And then they were criticized roundly by the Green Bay faithful, the NFL and ESPN Kool-Aid drinkers, and anybody wearing a pair of Wrangler jeans.

But today.  Oh, sweet today!  Self-satisfaction has kicked in.  Favre got himself traded+ to the Jets. 

So Diane – listen closely.  Listen past the wind, past the self-satisfied sigh, all the way to the rolling hills of Wisconsin.  It’s hard to hear because of all those hills and all that cheese, but it’s there, however faint: the shrill wail of mourning.  The horrible mewling of absolute despair.

‘Cause if you’re a cheesehead today, what do you do?  You have a simple choice – simple in that it’s clearly a choice that must be made, and also in that there are only two forks in the road; but also ridiculously hard, nearly impossible, to actually make.  The choice is Favre or the Packers.  You either remain true to Green Bay, and now hate the Grizzled One, or you keep your loyalty with the man who has been your Superman for what feels like five decades and now hate the Packers.  That’s all there is to it.  Any true loyalist knows that these are the options, and that he has to pick a side.  Anybody this morning who claims to be both a Packers fan and a Favre fan is immediately open to suspicion of never having really liked – or understood – football.  Hell, he’s probably a commie.  Probably doesn’t even know what apple pie tastes like.

So my most heart-felt condolences go out to the NFL fans of Wisconsin, who have lost either their hero or their team today.  And a congratulatory thumbs-up to all those writers who cover the NFL and are as cynical as this field agent – because today, gentlemen, is a very special day.

Today, we all get to say, “I told you so.”

* That might have been said about Yosemite Sam.

** Through sheer popularity, this man will soon no longer be any kind of misfit.  I understand you have to hand in your cynicism as soon as you hit a certain number of page-views per day.  You probably also don’t get to publish sentences like “oh Brett give me your delicious cock.”

+ This is a gross over-simplification of what really happened.  But I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this, you’ve followed the news and know the sordid details++ already.  For the purposes of this and the preceding paragraphs, with their rather anti-Favrian slant, this was the best way to summarize what’s been going on in Green Bay.

++ Why are details always sordid?  I need a thesaurus.

Advertisements

8 Responses to Favre traded to Jets, cheeseheads questioning own existence

  1. OMAR says:

    I believe you are being disingenuous. After months of self-satisfaction while listening to the latest FavRe updates, you know it will all end today. No more FarVe ticker at the bottom of the screen, no more profiles in courage emanating from the Mississippi delta. Embrace your sadness.

  2. That cuts deep, Omar. I am nothing if not ingenuous. I am downright overingenuous.

    Enjoy your spellings of Favre, by the way.

  3. JimPanzee says:

    I already commented on this topic on another blog today…sorry Dale..but I don’t feel bad repeating what I said there and adding a little bit, just for you.

    Since I owe my NFC allegiance to the Bears, I find this all absolutely hilarious. But, as a human being, I feel awful sorry for Rodgers.

    I do not, however, extend my sympathies to the Packers/FavRe fans that must feel like Life has presented them with one of those “What if…” scenarios out of those books that are supposed to help you know thyself. Penis or eyesight? End world hunger or your mom doesn’t die painfully of cancer? Love the Packers, love a FavRe-led Jets?

    You know, maybe they can take some satisfaction from this by taking off their glasses and turning off the sound. If you squint real hard those green Jets outfits could be the Packers.

    I’m also enjoying Omar’s spelling of FavRe–but mostly because I’m enjoying the totality of the day after having read about Ol’ Lantern Jaw’s treachery.

  4. You’ve been cheating on me with another blog? *sob*

  5. JimPanzee says:

    You weren’t there for me when I needed to say something about FavRe. What was I supposed to do.

    Besides, I said “I’m sorry.”

  6. Ryan says:

    If Favre had stayed, they would have had to sell him the franschise right there, because everybody would have known he could veto any decision made by anyone, from personnel to play-calling to whatever soap he wanted in the bathroom. I can only assume he’ll try to play John Henry to the advancing steam drill of time and age, but I’m guessing twice-a-season drubbings from the Patriots and whoever else sacks it up to beat the Jets will tarnish that story.

  7. JimPanzee says:

    My friend Tim B. said in the San Antonio Chronicle today, “I just hope he doesn’t get hurt.” I concur, but doubt the prospects. An 80 year old man like Favre just shouldn’t be on the gridiron.

  8. I realize you’re just kidding, JimPanzee, but this blog has an obligation to get the facts right. So I’d like to run the following correction: Brett Favre is 76 years old, not 80 as previously reported. Special Agent Dale Cooper regrets the error.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: