We the Geeks of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, stop Infighting between Trekkies and Star Wars nerds, establish once and for all which Videogame Console is graphically superior, determine where the next 50 years of Gencons will be held, prevent unfair Magic Card trades, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our sensitive posteriors, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of Geekdom.
Article. I. – The Geek Activity Hierarchy
Section 1 – Rules of Behavior Pertaining to the Hierarchy
In the following article shall be described the Structure of the geek Hierarchy, that being the objectively determined Superiority and Inferiority of geek Activities as they relate to one another. No geek shall henceforth break with this Structure, nor shall he proclaim or support any contrary Structure; nor shall he mock anyone for participating in a Higher Activity than his own. Mockery of Lower Activities is both allowed and encouraged, however.
Section 2 – The Hierarchy
Geek activities in order: I. General and Constant use of the Internet. II. Specific and Constant use of the Internet, including but not limited to Posting on web Forums related to Star Wars, Lost, Anime/Manga, any Sci Fi Channel Original Series, Videogames, etc. III. Copious watching of Anime, or reading of Manga or Comic Books. IV. Playing Dungeons & Dragons or any similar roleplaying game. V. Magic Cards. VI. Massive Multiplayer Online Whatsits. VII. Cosplay. VIII. Live Action Role Play – may God have mercy on your Souls. IX. Furries. X. This space reserved for whatever horrible trend next emerges from the darkest Bowels of Cyberspace.
Article. II. – General Laws Determining the Outcome of Common Geek Conflicts
Section 1 – Han Shot First
Han shot First. We all know it; you know it, I know it, Han and Chewie know it, and George Fucking Lucas knows it. Any Person stating otherwise will herefore and forthwith be Banished from participating in geek Activities, levels I – VII. Any Person claiming that the Revised Star Wars DVDs are as good as, or Superior to, the original versions will be made to join a Fraternity (retroactively, if he has passed college age) and apply for a position in Marketing.
Section 2 – Star Wars is Better and Cooler than Star Trek
Seriously, this wasn’t even an Argument BEFORE Voyager and all those third-rate Next Generation movies. Roddenberry Dorks shall Give Up on this subject.
Section 3 – Picard and Kirk Are Equally Good As Far As We Can Tell
Congress shall make no law respecting this really sensitive Area. Congress is washing its Hands of this crap.
Section 4 – Yes, The Matrix Sequels Did Suck
They did so.
Section 5 – Alyson Hannigan is Cute, But In No Way Hotter Than Seven Of Nine
First, Congress would like to point out Seven Of Nine’s enormous Funbags. Second, if you’re going to Drool all over a geeky redheaded girl, it should probably be the Curvaceous and quite intelligent Kari Byron of Mythbusters. You should admit that Alyson Hannigan appeals to you so much because she looks like the hottest girl at an SCA event, and therefore someone you have a realistic chance of sleeping with, if you can tear yourself away from your XBox for five damn Minutes. (Congress admits it would totally hit on that girl too, but not if Seven Of Nine was there.)
Article. III. – Random Capitalization of Words
We know You love It. Sometimes we will just Capitalize nouns, and other Times we will not capitalize the Nouns at all. Very often we Will simply try To make your Brain huRt.
Article. IV. – The Governing of Geekdom
Section 1 – The King of the Geeks
The King, His Imperial Majesty, the Dark Lord of Mordor, shall be an Office appointed yearly according to the following Criteria: 1. Best use of Withering Sarcasm; 2. Quickest Thumbs upon the royal Gamepad, and/or most triumphant acts of Pwnage on XBox Live; 3. Correct Pronunciation of the unpronouncable word “Pwnage”; 4. Largest collection of Neil Gaiman comics, original Japanese language mangas, or Heroclix; 5. Ability to communicate meaningfully using Naught but quotations from The Simpsons, Army of Darkness, Futurama, and the game Zero Wing.
Section 2 – Toadies
The King shall appoint no fewer than two Toadies to serve under him and repeat his every Opinion, while pretending to have independent Thought by saying things like, “I respectfully disagree; the Prequels were only about two-thirds as bad as a shit sandwich, not fully as bad.” All geeks in Geekdom will Publickly respect the office of the Toady as though he was the King himself, while talking shit behind the Toady’s back. Think of them as those Weaselly guys in The King Of Kong who were always sucking up to Billy Mitchell.
Section 3 – The Office of Oppressor
All geeks shall live under the Thumb of a financially secure Oppressor, this person typically being one or more Parents, a Wife or Girlfriend, or perhaps a tolerant Grandmother, until such time as the geek can get himself a job in Computers. While living in the home of the Oppressor, the geek shall basically live in the Manner he sees fit, but will complain with great Vitriol about being prevented from buying a Magic Booster Pack that one time.
Section 4 – Powers of Congress
The Congress shall have Power to determine for all of geek-kind whether the next Futurama direct-to-DVD movie sucks out loud or is a moderately tolerable Disappointment;
To kill Uwe Boll at any point, should his Videogame movie adaptations cease to amuse us;
To apply the “naked Lara” patch to any and all future Tomb Raider Games;
To judge whether you are a Camper, a Rocket-Whore, or a Little Bitch while playing Halo (Congress shall never compliment you on your Skill);
To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offenses against the Law of Nations;
To resolve any future geek Disputes not covered previously in Article II. Currently, Congress is settling whether Kirsten Dunst was Good, Acceptable, or Awful as Mary Jane in the Spiderman movies, as well as whether she is Girl-Next-Door Hot, Not That Great, or a Butterface Snaggletooth.
Article. V. – Geek Ingress Into Non-Geek Activities
A geek shall be allowed to participate in no more than two of these Activities per year: 1. Watching football; 2. Drinking Beer; 3. Marketing; 4. Fixing Cars; 5. Moussing or gelling of Hair; 6. Wearing of Pants that are neither Jeans nor Shorts; 7. Eating salad more than occasionally; 8. Watching Walker, Texas Ranger; 9. Believing in a God who isn’t Thor. Geeks who violate this Law shall be made to sell their AD&D original rulebooks on eBay with a retardedly low “Buy It Now” option.
Amendment 1 – Alyson Hannigan Is Actually As Hot As Seven Of Nine
Outcry from the Community was too great on this one. We gave up.
Amendment 2 – Lack of Freedom of Speech, Expression, Press
Geeks shall not take up Opinions in the Publick Sphere that violate the Laws set down herein. We will seriously bomb your E-Mail account with Viral Spam, and have you blacklisted from your area Papa John’s. Try playing thirty-two straight Hours of Everquest without Pizza, traitor.
Amendment 3 – Right to Bear Arms
If you have a fake Lightsaber, ninja weapons, or medieval sword replicas, your right to carry them to Cons large and small shall not be infringed.
Amendment 4 – Right to Have and Actually Care About a Significant Other
We have given up on this one. Too many of us are getting Old and Lonely.