Next up on the remake-go-round

Diane,

I won’t hold back on you: it’s “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

(And now we’ll take a brief pause while you groan, collect yourself, then groan again – a really long, loud grooooaaaaannn that startles your coworkers and makes them ask things like, “Are those Applebee’s fries not sitting well?  Because I feel a little funny too!”  And then you’ll say, “I never eat at Applebee’s.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  In fact, I don’t know who you are… or who I am!”  And then the “Twilight Zone” music will play while you stare at each other.)

Yes, in their infinite wisdom, Hollywood has decided to remake the horror semi-classic, and possibly without Robert Englund (casting has not been announced yet).  My guess for what this movie will be like is this: you’ll never get a clear look at Freddy, because he’ll be concealed by quick-cut editing, lots of overexposure and color saturation tricks, and old-fashioned darkness.  When he does appear in the occasional half-second shot, his face will be CGI.  And throughout the movie he’ll be stalking Jessica Biel’s buttocks.

I almost look forward to this.  It should be almost good.  And by that I mean, completely bad and not worth the time it takes to absorb it with your eyeballs.

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One Response to Next up on the remake-go-round

  1. Ryan says:

    No.

    No.

    Even with Jessica Biel, no.

    No, no, no.

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