What else needs to be said, Diane?
Ali/Frazier. DeNiro/Pacino. Shaq/Kobe. Patriots/Colts.
They’re going to need to add a new setting to the hype machine, because this shit is going to get ridiculous. You can expect 24 hour Patriot watch on ESPN. You can look forward to a dozen columns a day on Sports Illustrated’s web site and ESPN.com. Does Peyton Manning dream about Bill Belichick? Is Tom Brady’s love child as cute as his daddy is handsome? The public needs to know.
The hype is actually warranted. The Colts are coming off a Super Bowl win and are 7-0 in very convincing fashion. And that would be the big story in the league this year, if it weren’t for the Patriots gutting every team they play. In their dominant run they’ve shown no mercy or sportsmanship. If they were playing “Madden,” they’d be faking punts, going for it on 4th and long, and going for two point conversions, even in the waning minutes of a 50-0 blowout. Their college roommate would probably brain them with his XBox controller at the end of the game. (Sadly, no such fate has befallen the non-metaphorical Patriots, even though they are going for it on 4th down at the end of routs. We’ll all just have to keep on praying.)
The Colts are hosting this game, but the score-running-up, bad sport, cheating-ass Patriots have opened as 4 point favorites. That’s what being Darth Vader will do for you. Here’s the thing: in the movies, you can pull for Luke Skywalker and have a reasonable hope that he’ll win, because it’s a movie. In real life, Darth Vader has the whole Empire at his disposal, and he doesn’t give a shit about karma or justice or any of these wonderful concepts that only exist on paper. Darth will kick you when you’re down and run a QB sneak on 4th and 1 even though he’s ahead by 45 points (seriously; you can’t make this stuff up).
Come Sunday, having been inundated with hype for a week, we can all sit down to enjoy this showdown between the plucky rebel forces and the evil Empire. Which is a funny thing to say, considering that the Rebellion just won the Super Bowl – but whatever. That’s how it’s shaping up, and we may as well have a nice storyline to console us after the Empire spends all afternoon cornholing Luke.
(Yes, Diane, I’m kind of pessimistic about this game.)