The internet gives us very much. It is a veritable Santa’s sleigh, bloated with sacks of gifts, and the gifts are increasingly wrapped in shiny paper and big frilly bows. It’s only when you bludgeon Santa in his head and pull the sleigh into your garage and start opening all the gifts that you realize a lot of kids were going to get dog crap and jagged pieces of metal for Christmas. Lousy kids. Lousy Santa.
But you must carry on, Diane, and open all the gifts no matter what, because you are very bored at your office job and there’s really nothing else to do to waste the endless hours. And occasionally, at the bottom of a sack, you’ll find a gem.
I preserve here, uncommented, the work of one “Gams in Glass,” who is apparently a paying subscriber to Salon.com. He has remarked on six articles there. These two caught my attention.
I. In Response to an Article About Coming Out as an Atheist
To the Churchery! And then the Morgue
You’re a grown ass man. I told my highly religious mother I was an atheist in front of my CCD teacher. Hilariously this lead [sic] her to cry at my subsequent doctor’s appointment. Good times and better memories.
Now, as I said, you are a grown ass man (man?) and being such means you need make your targets cry in grown ass man ways. You MUST MURDER one of your classmates. It is the only way to make clear your intentions to retain your atheistic rights. Did not our Founding Fathers, having hoisted the BS ‘deist’ flag, a fugazi if there ever was one, then make sure to pitchfork the ominous John Bull? A syringe to the neck should incapacitate the godly loon. Then back you your [sic] place to store the body in a trunk behind the wall. Ira Einhorn wasn’t a PhD boy for nothing. The man knew what to do. MURDER one, and be done with it. Although, remember to learn from Ira’s mistakes…. you ought not leave the corpse rotting behind the walls for too long. Tends to attract rats… and Pigs!
II. In Response to an Entry in an Advice Column to a Man Whose Wife Always Thinks He’s Cheating on Her
I am appalled at the lack of attention Gary Tennis has paid to mention of physical abuse. While single interactions of that type should not be immediate cause for separation or divorce, it must certainly be made clear that continuance of such behavior will be… and the writer must be willing to follow through. This lack of attention to this fact of physical abuse is rather indicative to me of Mr Tennis’ own problems; he repeatedly seem [sic] unable to take male writers at face value and in such cases as this, devalues the worth of the individual.
Now, that said, it is clear the time is nigh for the writer to MURDER his wife. This is the only solution. MURDER has solved any number of worldly problems and we can surely see how the situation would be dramatically improved should this wife be disappeared, or get hit-and-runned down. Rather than a psychotic, loony women jabbering on endlessly about romances the author surely now wishes he HAD pursued, and waiting for the moment to shiv him in the ribs with a plastic fork, he could be footloose and fancy free, dining on herbavore kidneys at a steak-house in Kenya — bill footed by insurance money dutifully paid out by the guv-ment.