It’s a gambler’s wet dream. The considerable resources of the FBI have been combined with the power of zen buddhism (and special insight from the Dalai Lama) to bring you these Ironclad, Mortal Lock Week 3 NFL Superpicks. And remember, kids, sports gambling is illegal in most states:
The SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (+6) vs. the 2006 SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
I believe a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team would choke less hard than a Norv Turner-coached team. It’s a close call though, which means this line is inflated. Take the points, and when you’re counting your money on Monday just be thankful that your favorite team isn’t coached by Marty OR Norv. Unless you live in San Diego – in which case, you can take the day off work and cry about how Tomlinson’s career is being wasted.
STEELER FANS (-3) vs. the NEW STEELERS MASCOT, STEELY McBEAM
It looks tempting but remember, with the Steeler fans at home, that -3 says that Vegas has no idea. Stay far away from this game, it’s a money-loser. If you want a prediction under duress: my gut tells me that Steely’s plush exterior will protect him from thrown beers and Terrible Towels for the whole 60 minutes. Note: this line, and my pick, change dramatically if the game is played in the parking lot outside Heinz Field.
REX GROSSMAN (+4.5) vs. REX GROSSMAN’S PERSONAL DEMONS
Some forecasters are picking Grossman to triumph over his personal demons, but Rex hasn’t yet learned that interceptions don’t score the same as touchdowns… except when the defensive back runs it into the end zone. Easy win for the road favorites.
The NEW ENGLAND CHEATRIOTS (-6) vs. COMMON SENSE and DECENCY
Despite a rare tag team effort from both Common Sense and Decency (allowed in a special provision to league rules made by commish Goodell), the Cheatriots, led by their esteemed coach Bill Bellicheat, will win out. Lay the points, this line is actually a little low.
JESSE JAMES vs. the COWARD ROBERT FORD
The line reached Jesse at +18 before betting was closed. Sorry, gamblers, the fix is in, and your bets will no longer be accepted.
RANDY MOSS (-4.5) vs. TERRELL OWENS vs. CHAD JOHNSON
Chad brings us the most entertainment, and Terrell brings us the greatest sense of moral superiority and righteous indignation. But we should always remember what Randy Moss brings us: straight cash, homey. Moss can go in your teaser for the week.
PEYTON MANNING’S COMMERCIALS (-11) vs. ALL OTHER NFL COMMERCIALS
Frankly I think that line could be -14 and I’d still take Peyton. The only way he loses this one is if he gets hit with a “too many men on the field” penalty.
FALL SUNDAYS (-1,000,000) vs. ANY WORK DAY
Everybody likes a gimme.