Refuge of the scoundrel

Diane,

I don’t feel like writing this week.  My usual format is “throw out an idea, pontificate on it for 50 paragraphs, close with a clever callback or thematic wrap-up.”  That works OK when I have an idea.  But when I don’t… well, you get a post like this one.  Sorry.

In order to fill this dead space and continue exercising my writing muscles, I am going to do something different with this post.  Here it is: send me a question.  E-mail it to me at dale_cooper@hotmail.com or add it in the comments on this post.  If I like your question I’ll edit the post, add it in there, and answer it in a manner that may be amusing or sarcastic or ridiculous, and will be not at all truthful or insightful or serious. 

So… have at it.

We begin this Q&A session with a couple of questions from the gentleman who unwittingly gave me this idea:

Ryan from Indianapolis asks: Is setting up the first taste of football this season to include the Steelers, but making it a pre-season game (and thus guaranteeing five snaps for the starters) and showing it only on the NFL Network, proof of a cruel and unkind god?

Dale says: I think it’s proof that God exists and cruel and unkind to Steelers fans, for whatever reason.  Perhaps He is more of a Browns guy.

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Ryan from Indianapolis asks: If God is indeed a Browns fan, then why has he punished them with a Quinn holdout, in addition to the past forty years?

Dale says: God likes to torment his chosen people with 40 years in the desert.  See also: Moses.  The Browns are about to enter the promised land – I foresee a SuperBowl appearance by 2009.

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customerservice@spun.com asks: dale_cooper@hotmail.com, We hope you have enjoyed your recent purchase of James Bond Ultimate Edition, From Russia With Love/On Her Majesty’s Secret Service/Live and Let Die. We are interested in purchasing this product back from you. Simply add it to your cart by using the “Sell to Spun” link on the left and get 20% more than our regular price. It couldn’t be easier. In fact, use promo code “my20” and GET 20% MORE! on every item you sell back to us. This EMAIL ONLY offer is for a limited time, so click now!

Dale says: Well first of all, customerservice, that’s not a question, or even a request; it’s really more of a command.  Second, I am surprised to learn of my purchase of James Bond Ultimate Edition, From Russia With Love/On Her Majesty’s Secret Service/Live and Let Die.  I checked my credit card records and recent mail – mostly the packages; I assume this item is too large for a letter-sized envelope – and could not verify this purchase.  I assure you, however, that if I do come across a copy of James Bond Ultimate Edition, From Russia With Love/On Her Majesty’s Secret Service/Live and Let Die, I will let you know straight away, and will be pleased to accept 20% more than your regular price in exchange for it.

————————————————————————————

B.S. from my office asks: do you want to send that code to the customer for testing?

Dale says: Dale does not respond.  Dale does not send that code to the customer for testing, either.  This might become a problem for Dale in a week or so.

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Gearldine Lajuana asks: Not enough SPERM/CUM?

Dale says: No, I am satisfied with the amount of sperm/cum.  Thanks.

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William Tell asks: Dear Dale, Can you introduce me to Sheryl Lee? She looks like just the kinda girl a quasi-mythical Swiss hero might like to hit.  Thanks in advance, Bill

Dale says: Sir, you offend.  You should be more sensitive to the dark circumstances of Ms. Palmer’s death.  Hasn’t she been hit enough?  I will forgive you on this occasion due to your quasi-mythical status and your way with a bow, but next time, it may come to fisticuffs.

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Eee asks: Dear Dale, Who would win in a fight between a squid and a giant whale?

Dale says: This is one of nature’s unanswerable questions, in a similar vein to who would win between

– a bear and a shark
– a tiger and a mid-sized hippopotamus
– a tyrannosaurus rex and fifteen thousand snakes
– two hummingbirds and an enraged cockroach
– a moray eel confined to a burlap sack and a human baby

Well, today I am proud to present the answers to the unanswerable, with special help from some backward-speaking dream guys (big ups, little dancing man):

– The shark would win.  Bears are mean and have sharp claws and powerful jaws and lots of protective flab; and there’s no questioning that the bear in “The Edge” was one of the scariest things I’ve ever wet myself while watching.  But you know what was even scarier than that, and made me not just urinate but also defecate in my pristine Old Navy boxer briefs?  The shark from “Jaws.”  In the immortal words of Hooper: “Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It’s really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that’s all.”  Bears are defending territory and sleeping and engaging in comical confrontations with beehives, while sharks are out perfecting their killing skills.  Advantage: shark.

– I’d have to go with the hippo.  Advantage: hippo.

– This is a real challenge.  Part of the problem is that we haven’t set the type or size of snakes involved.  Since we’re assuming the T. Rex is in fighting prime, I’m going to set the snakes as “assorted venomous or otherwise dangerous varieties,” and specify that they are all prime examples of their respective species(-es).  So we have anacondas, asps, cobras, rattlesnakes, pythons, and so forth.

Early momentum will swing to the dinosaur, who is bound to trample all over a lot of snakes and just start eating them.  The pythons and anacondas will attack his feet, and if they’re lucky, get him a little bound up.  A key victory would be if they could actually topple him, but I’m thinking the rex is too strong, most likely.  The poisonous snake bites may prove problematic if they can whittle down the rex’s thick skin, but they’ll have to attack the same spot over and over to do so.  …Of course, this is fairly likely, since they’ll all be attacking the bottom three feet or so of the dinosaur.  Ultimately I think the T. Rex wins, but it’s a Phyrric victory: he eats so many snakes that he pops a leak in his stomach, which (combined with the poison in his system) kills him soon afterward.  Advantage: neither.

– You’d think the cockroach, but hummingbirds can really duck and weave.  This is like two tiny, super-ultra-featherweight Mohammed Alis battling one armored but very small George Foreman.  Advantage: hummingbirds.

– The baby doesn’t stand a chance.  I just threw this one in because I like to think about it.  Advantage after much struggling to get out of the sack: eel.

And at last back to the question – who would win between a squid and a whale?  Well as near as I can tell from the cast list, having not seen the movie, the squid is played by Laura Linney and the whale is played by Jeff Daniels.  Jeff Daniels is a mediocre musician and comedian, whereas Laura Linney is a sneaky-hot actress of underrated talents who was both hypnotically alluring and creepily Stepford Wife-ish in “The Truman Show.”  So I have it as advantage: squid.

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gb asks: Hey waitaminnit I feel like I should get co-authorship for the animal duel stuff? [Question mark added to turn this into a question – ed.]

Dale says: Next you’ll be wanting child support for our biologically impossible baby.  The answer on both counts is, and shall remain, no.

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That’s all we got time for, folks – thanks for submitting your questions.  This week we will resume our normal broadcasting schedule.  Be sure to look out for these: Tuesday’s blog will star several Wayanses, and on Friday we premiere a new article featuring the Blue Collar Comedy Tour’s own Larry The Cable Guy. 

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6 Responses to Refuge of the scoundrel

  1. William Tell says:

    Dear Dale,

    Can you introduce me to Sheryl Lee? She looks like just the kinda girl a quasi-mythical Swiss hero might like to hit.

    Thanks in advance,
    Bill

  2. Ryan says:

    Lumped in with spam, phishing and work.

    *sigh*

  3. William Tell says:

    Hey man, I was just kidding, I know that is a sensitive subject for ya. I’m an asshole – just ask Albrecht Gessler. Oh wait – you can’t because I shot him with a crossbow bolt after he crossed me the first time.

    Seriously though, SherylLauraPalmerLee is smokin’ hot. I can’t help it – I’m only [a fictional representation of] a man [who may or may not have ever actually existed].

    Cheers,
    Bill

  4. I feel much the same, William. No hard feelings, and coffee’s on me, eh?

  5. Eee says:

    Dear Dale,

    Who would win in a fight between a squid and a giant whale?

    Eee

  6. gb says:

    Hey waitaminnit I feel like I should get co-authorship for the animal duel stuff

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